


sick of all those love songs (sing to me about my friend on the moon).

by nwhrs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, AroWriMo 2021, Aromantic Awakening, Aromantic Characters, Choosing to be Yourself, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Discussions of Amatonormativity, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, Slice of Life, but romance kinda always plays into it somehow, discussions of romance, heavy focus on non-romantic relationships, hugs to everyone!!! ur absolutely valid uwu, i noticed the timing is a bit odd so let's pretend this takes place over a year haha, it's both happy and sad sometimes :(((( <3, johnny & ten & taeyong are best friends, just not sure if i will be the one to do it sjndjahbd, maybe??? actually not but there is probs more to tell, so it goes from february to february in a full circle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29656800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nwhrs/pseuds/nwhrs
Summary: Johnny has always tried to follow the game, Ten has always stood out like a sore thumb, Chenle has always been quite vocal about himself, and Jisung really has absolutely no idea just what is going on (or does he?).And this is just a little part of their story.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten & Suh Youngho | Johnny, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Taeyong & Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Lee Taeyong & Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten & Suh Youngho | Johnny, Park Jisung & Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	sick of all those love songs (sing to me about my friend on the moon).

**Author's Note:**

> And at long last, welcome to my contribution to [AroWriMo](https://arowrimo.tumblr.com)! :D Even though I already wrote with or about aromantic/arospec characters in the past, it feels a bit like a first here? It's definitely the first time I went with an arospec narrative throughout the whole fanfiction, so I _hope_ I didn't fail as terribly as I sometimes felt like sjndjhbsd  
> I also couldn't decide _what_ I wanted to write haha, so let me combine my fav ships to four arospec disasters ;u; <3 This focuses mainly on _platonic_ relationships (friendships; though it has a short mention of QPRs), though /hint hint/ I technically wrote a [family-centric fanfic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28792233) with Kun & Chenle in the same month if that is more your jam xD
> 
> This is also only edited by my own trying brain cells, so,,, all '???' moments belong to me haha %D I tried my best, but if there is anything, do lmk!!
> 
>  **Disclaimer!** Taeyong is/will be dating someone (though you choose the boyfriend bc I literally couldn't decide,,, even w suggestions sjdjabsd) and Jisung mentions a crush later. There are also (heavy) discussions of romance and specifically amatonormativity throughout the whole fanfic.  
> Lately, when I think about my own experience of being aromantic, it usually has a somewhat contrasting (reconstructive?) narrative to romance - this is and will certainly not be the only way to see it! (Actually, I don't really think that much about romance lol) I may exaggerate at some points, but also, maybe, it gives you something to think about? Just as it made me think, too -thinking-  
> Anyway! To my aromantic and arospec pals out here: please know I appreciate you lots! While I tried to portray differing ways to deal with being aromantic and/or amatonormativity, do note that this is not and will never be exhaustive. Being aromantic is this large of a spectrum and I couldn't possibly get a hold of everything in little over 16k! But I know ur here, somewhere, and I really just,,, appreciate you uwu Sending lots of tokens of my admiration! You're simply amazing, you got this <3

It was always some sort of a joke.

Rather than 'was', it _has_ to be one. A sort-of globe-spanning scheme that the entire earth is pulling, even though beyond a few jokes only he can cackle over, he doesn't think it's a very funny story. It must have hit Chenle somewhen in his mid-teens that he isn't as important as his early-teen self thought and that nobody would possibly have any kind of large-scale trickery going on, just to fool _him_ , a mere boy from China. From, daresay, a small part of the entire freaking _earth_.

Even adults aren't that nonsensical.

There were hopes that this disease of Valentine's Day (and whatever other things romance has in store) was only affecting his hometown, but just one step out of the known and he has to admit that's just … not the case.

Nowhere, really.

He is only five minutes into his new high school, and he already saw more than he bargained for. People holding hands (... okay?), people showing more or less subtle affection in public (... alright), people shooting literal heart eyes at each other (just _how_ do real-life people do that?!). People whispering about the new transfer student and wondering if he is single?

…

Is it too late to move into a cozy cabin in the woods and live a life for himself and him alone?

With wary steps, he walks through the corridors, trying not to shut someone's mouth for the n-th time this day. He just rolls his eyes - but the way to his new classroom feels too long. And when he finally gets there, the teacher arriving a little later than him, the real dread starts.

Awkwardly, Chenle stands in front of the class, his now-classmates going silent around him. The teacher introduces him, he introduces himself, bla bla. He mostly doesn't pay attention, only moving when the teacher advises him to take a seat by the window (thank goodness), next to a wide-eyed boy that somehow miraculously resembles a mochi.

What the hell is wrong with this world?

"Hey, I'm Park Jisung, I hope we can be friends!" the same boy introduces himself - unprompted - in a shout-whisper, smiling brightly.

Chenle looks at this person and shrugs. "Yeah, whatever," he remarks dryly.

If this were to be some cheap love story, he was probably supposed to fall in love with that far too bright boy and the kindness he shows or something.

Luckily, he has an universal response to that: How about just _nope_?

  
  


\-----

  
  


Jisung has always been confused in his life, but never _this_ much. He likes that his parents get along very well, showing their adoration for each other with little kisses here and there - sadly, the boy himself isn't excluded from kisses on the cheek and forehead, even after entering high school.

For some time, he has thought this is just how it works. That everyone goes on with their lives, and that he doesn't get behind it _much_ , can't apply when or when not to do that, but that this would be just fine - that it works just alright.

Even when he grew to be more confused when Jeno kissed Renjun and Jeno's boyfriend, Jaemin, whined because this wasn't what they agreed on and that _he_ has wanted to kiss Renjun first, it was something that 'happened to other people'. (The three made up by now, by the way.) It's just one of many instances where he is glad _not_ to be Renjun, but it's also one of the instances where his world kind of made less and less sense. So, he has never been sure about those things. At all. Basically never. But the mechanics of what is supposed to happen when? Entirely an enigma.

A girl mentioned that she would love to hang out with him (literal: 'go out'). He said she'd be a great friend. Later, Jisung was glared at by said girl's friends and they never spoke again (which is _really_ sad because he really meant it; she was a _fantastic_ friend and he's sad he lost her because of … whatever it was in the end).

Someone else approached him with a pink letter, and he read it and took the time to write a reply. He's frowned upon ever since. (He doesn't think _I really like your sense of poetry, you'd make a great lyricist! Thanks for your kind words, you are a really amazing person, too (sorry, I suck at poetry), and I hope we can stay friends!_ with a happy smiley was a wrong answer; anyway, why is 'friend' such a bad word?)

Later, Jaemin explained that he's 'friendzoning' people left and right. Jisung hasn't thought there would be many other options.

He's been careful with the word 'friend' ever since. Which is a real … pithole because he doesn't know what different word to use.

Perhaps that is when he started to distance himself from other people other than those he feels comfortable with (though they graduate far too quickly, leaving him alone in his second year of high school already). He started to walk on eggshells around others, dealing with them on a necessity-based level and he barely interacts with them anymore.

It's the third year of his high school time now and he can't wait for it to be over. Only a few months, then … But, to whirl things up, a new transfer student quickly becomes the center of attention, even as that new boy doesn't look like he's enjoying any of that. It surprises him to some degree, though he could only far too well relate to that. He doesn't pay it too much mind, deciding to leave him alone - until this very person is seated next to him.

Jisung perks up, watching as the other takes a seat - and before he knows it, the words are already out, face turning to a (he hopes) welcoming smile. "Hey, I'm Park Jisung, I hope we can be friends!" his mouth whisper-shouts before he can stop it. He's only saved by the very unenthusiastic answer of the other, and internally, he sighs out. So, that Chenle guy might remember this 'slip', whatsoever.

_Don't use 'friends' so easily_ , Jisung thinks to himself with a silent groan. Sadly, there barely has been a good outcome of that.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Whenever the world keeps spinning, it's almost certain that Ten is somewhat trying to run in the other direction. It's not only a thing of 'natural competitiveness' he tends to harbour when he is upset, but just … general spite, maybe.

When the world falls in love, Ten doesn't.

It just … doesn't happen. He's alive for almost twenty-five years now, and he never felt more spiteful than in his twenties. In his teens, he could brush this whole 'crush' thing off as something despicable, entirely boring - that he's 'above' it (because saying he isn't invited to that apparently 'super-special party' hurts more). But in his twenties? Where everyone suddenly picks up on the 'seriousness of love' and the future? _Even worse_ now that he's entering his _late_ twenties and people yell about having to find a partner or they'd die alone or something?

Yeah. Well. Ten doesn't plan to die alone, either. He already looks for houses he could buy for him and the twenty-something cats he's going to take care of once he worked enough for the rest of his life. (Or maybe just a little apartment for himself and _two_ cats; he isn't sure yet.)

But everyone else seems to have gone … obnoxiously fuzzy in the head which makes Ten unwilling to buy any of that. He only slurps his chocolate milkshake a bit louder when Taeyong keeps ranting ('gushing') about the cashier of the ice cream parlor they're currently at. For, he mentally notes, about the twenty-seventh time this year. Yes. It's February.

"And … there is something about his eyes, I don't know? But what do you think, Ten?" the lost man asks, turning his head in anticipation to one of his best friends.

Johnny, opposite to them, stifles a laugh by stuffing his mouth with ice cream, and Ten huffs. He then looks at Taeyong who looks entirely in bliss and he _does_ feel bad for what's about to come, but … "Yongie, you know I really, _really_ appreciate you, but I am _not_ sure if I should be the one to ask that," Ten elaborates with hesitation, already preparing him mentally for-

-yes. Taeyong doesn't look angry, but … kicked puppy vibes. _Big_ kicked puppy vibes.

"Ah - sorry, I didn't mean to-" the older man says, and it's breaking Ten's grim facade. He pats Taeyong on the shoulder, a smile decorating his face.

"There, there. I think he looks like a good guy, though. I guess? Why don't you _finally_ go and talk to him, so you actually get some info?" Ten suggests. _One, two, three-_

Taeyong looks incredibly flustered, flabbergasted, exasperated - you name it. "I- out of the blue-" he chokes out.

"It's hard to talk with strangers, you know, Ten," Johnny _finally_ decides to be useful in the conversation. Sadly, not for Ten's side.

The dancer shakes his head scornfully. "Yeah, but he's been ordering from that guy for _weeks_! Not to offend the splendid milkshakes, but I think I almost had enough for the year, and it's _only February_ ," Ten whines, gesturing at his half-empty glass.

"Sorry to drag you guys through it …" Taeyong mutters.

"Don't be," Johnny hurries to say as Ten begins to pat the older's head.

"Yeah, yeah - you know, but I don't think you're gonna lose much, hm? Everyone thinks you're quite the catch - and you're seriously not half as bad; in fact, I'd rather think you're too good for him," Ten says encouragingly, smiling softly at Taeyong (whom he kind of dragged into this mood in first place, but hey, talk about ups and downs!).

The older looks at Ten with contemplative eyes. "You really think so?" Ten nods.

"Besides - I swear, Taeyong, if you don't go right up and ask for a green tea milkshake and his number, I am personally going to humiliate you in front of the dance studio," he threatens. Johnny raises an eyebrow. _Everyone_ , including Ten, knows nobody would dare to slander the name of the dance studio's pride and gem Lee Taeyong (and, as much of a softie he is offstage, he can be a bit of a devil when wronged, so everyone stays carefully out of the way).

But the (questionably) good-natured words of Ten seem to help: Taeyong gives his best friends a last weary but hopeful smile before he stands up decisively. Ten notices the slight tremble, but it quickly disappears - perhaps, Taeyong is entering 'show mode'?

He walks away - a man on a quest.

"And here we are, Johnny boy," Ten lets out with a sigh, "left behind and ignored."

The other lets out a hearty laugh. "Isn't that what you wanted?" he points out cheekily, scooping up the last remnants of what used to be a strawberry cup. Before Ten can even reply, Chungha's _Gotta Go_ starts to play and Johnny hastily turns off his alarm-.

_Ah, how fitting._ The older looks apologetic to him, but Ten brushes it off. "Go - go to that blind date of yours," he exclaims theatrically, "Leave your friend to deal with your other lovesick friend!"

Johnny chuckles, though he has the decency to sound apologetic. "Sorry, Ten, I'll make up for it - see you!" He sends one last smile towards him before he, too, is gone, out and about.

Just another poor soul on the hunt for 'that somebody', one that Ten doesn't seem to have or want to begin with.

Ah, love.

He glances over to Taeyong. By the look of his soft smile and the cashier's wide grin, both blushing rosily, he assumes it must go well. He stares at their little, happy faces and feels the dread. _Ah_ , he thinks, _so now I'll just be the best friend again._

Sometimes he does wonder if he misses out - but then again, he can't really miss what was never part of him to begin with, right?

  
  


\-----

  
  


Johnny is … well, he is who he is.

That is, he'd like to know what that would mean, too. A loving, caring teddy bear in human form, probably, warm and homey and all the good stuff, but _also_ \- as per definition by majority - often described as 'handsome' and 'hot' and 'attractive' and apparently, he only needs to smile to win just a part of someone's heart.

People say he's going to be a great father and by goodness, does he _want_ to be a good father, to help children grow to the best version they can be. He wants to be there when they make mistakes, and be there when they grow out of it, and just _be_ at the most possible center of humanity because nothing completes him more than encouraging someone else to do their best while he works hard on himself, would always do.

Only that he doesn't know if it's supposed to work this way.

He became a teacher because he wanted to work with kids, and he moved to the same city with his best friends because he wanted to be with them, and he goes to blind dates because …

… because …

… because.

With an unsteady heart, he waits in the obnoxious restaurant that his blind date chose for the evening, and gulps as he sees someone approaching the table - earlier than he thought. (Which is really sad because he was just getting into that essay he downloaded earlier; it's about work ethics in school by a former teacher.)

He silently puts his phone away and musters up his best smile (even as it doesn't feel all that sincere) and there is a gentle blush crawling up her face.

Ah. Yes. His first hunch is that it won't work out - a hunch he hopes won't come true in the very end. But as much as he tries to, they do part, without much to say to each other. Johnny is once again left with an unsure heart, shred to pieces. It's odd to feel incomplete while he never thinks he makes enough of an effort to be 'complete'. Or, that's what he tells himself.

He wonders how people fall in love, just like that.

Sighing, he opens the door to the shared apartment - to his own worn-out face in the corridor's mirror, to Ten cleaning the table, their eyes meeting soon after. Taeyong isn't in sight, but he hears the sizzles and smells the cooking.

"No good?" Ten is the first to ask, worry being drawn on his face. With a surge of familiarity, Johnny feels warmer at heart and it's a first this evening that he smiles sincerely. It's tired, but one nonetheless.

Ten doesn't need to ask any further than this.

"How did Taeyong's attempt run?" Johnny asks, sitting down on the ground while he looks how Ten goes from cleaning the table to fluffing the pillows on their couches. It's a sight of the known - after an evening of the unknown, he basks in it.

"Went well, Taeyong couldn't stop gushing until I reminded him that we still need to eat dinner, so here we are!" Ten hums in reply, rolling his eyes - fondly.

"I'm glad to hear the evening was better for one of us," Johnny remarks, lying down on the ground. He stretches out entirely, sighing out.

He can hear Ten scoffing from above. "You drama queen," the younger one says, throwing a pillow at the giant on the ground. It slides off sideways from his stomach.

Johnny only lets out a wounded sound, clutching his heart as he laments over his fearsome fate of being attacked by the pillow nation. It leaves Ten cackling, doubling over in laughter and he looks so shamelessly _complete_ without all of this shebang that Johnny feels a pang of jealousy.

"I wish I could be more like you …" he mutters silently in-between, to himself only.

"Did you say something?" Ten asks, trying to stifle the escaping laugh.

Johnny just shakes his head. "Nah, not really," he dismisses easily with a crooked smile. There isn't so much time for talk, anyway, as Taeyong breezes into the room with pots of food. He even brings a smaller bowl for Johnny in case he's still hungry.

With mindless chatter, another day ends between the three of them, with so many unspoken thoughts lingering in the unsuspecting air.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Lunch break hits, and as expected, the new guy is the center of attention. Jisung still recovers from his malheur from earlier, so he doesn't try to engage in the ongoing conversation, rather moving away a little bit to make space for his curious classmates.

No, he will just slurp his milk like in any other break, and maybe revise some more (or pretend to be busy, anyway). … He still can't help but to overhear the conversation.

"How was your former school?" one girl asks.

"Did you have a girlfriend?" someone else inquires, and they get nudged by an elbow.

"Ey, what if he still has one?" another one suspects.

"Or a _boyfriend_ , I mean," yet someone chips in.

To be honest, Jisung is kind of amazed that they can talk with Chenle without, like, _actually_ talking to him. He glances slightly towards the crowd of students and wishes he hasn't done it - now, his eyes wander automatically to the new student. There is something about the way Chenle looks visibly appalled by their collective manner of speaking and the way he has to suppress a constant eye roll. Jisung does wonder why he doesn't speak up when he doesn't seem to like it, he didn't strike as someone who has much trouble talking. But then again, he can't know for sure what is going on in someone else's mind, right?

… And yet.

"Uhm, I … I think you're overwhelming him, guys," Jisung hears himself speaking before he realises. He sports an awkward mimicry of a smile as they turn to him, ready to say something - just when the bell rings and dismisses everyone to their seat.

Jisung can't help but to sigh in relief of not having to face his classmates after interrupting their interrogation session. But hey, once he glances over to Chenle, the other seems much more at ease, so … maybe, it's a win? Even as after class, the boy still doesn't get to speak too much with him as the new student is out and about quicker than he can pack his things. In the end, he doesn't really think about it, so he goes on his own way, through the corridors - down the stairs, out and about. Rinse, repeat.

But to his own surprise, as soon as he reaches the school gates, he's joined by another voice. "Hey!" someone calls out to him - and when Jisung turns around, irritated, he sees Chenle.

… Did he wait for him?

"Uhm, I kinda forgot earlier, but thanks for interrupting them - I mean, it was pretty useless since lunch break was over, anyway, but still … thanks," Chenle blurts out.

There's a small smile on Jisung's face as he hears what this is all about. "It's cool, I'm glad I could, uhm, help. And sorry for them, they … they can be quite a handful?" he remarks and shrugs. "You … get used to it."

Chenle frowns, pausing for a while. "Do they … always talk about that stuff? I mean, love and all," the new student asks, face scrunched up in mild horror.

Jisung lets out a helpless laugh. "Uh, yeah - kinda? I don't really say much, but I guess so," he replies truthfully from what he picked up.

The other groans, rolling his eyes.

"And here I thought I'd escape that …" he mutters under his breath, making Jisung laugh. His face is a funny level of distorted. "Don't tell me I have to get used to that, again?"

"Guess so," Jisung only remarks with a smirk. He sighs out. He remembers the resolution - about _not_ trying to make friends - he made not that long ago, and … yet … "You can always talk to me if you don't want to hang out with the rest, by the way. Uh - we can be friends, if you want."

Chenle perks up at that, eyebrows furrowing then easing. "You mean it? Friends?"

Jisung nods - unsure, yet secure. It's what he said, right? And for once, it seems to be the right thing as Chenle grins. "Yeah, sounds good," he replies, nodding as well. Then, a pause. "-Wait, what's your name again?"

Jisung scoffs (and maybe laughs).

  
  


\-----

  
  


Life is never quite easy, being Ten _while_ living in a world where everybody falls in love - or so it seems. He watches how Taeyong spends sleepless nights worrying over someone he barely exchanged a few words with (update: they did talk, and the other party does seem to get along with him to say the least, but _now_ Taeyong's worrying that maybe, he won't be liked - _loved_ \- back). He watches how Johnny scrambles to find someone - that specific spark, that glorified feeling - and fails, even when he seems to be genuine in his advances.

He doesn't quite know how this whole pairing-up-people business works, and yes, for some part, he's glad he doesn't go through that.

Only watching his fellow dancers at the dance studio swoon over sexual and/or romantic tension during choreographies does make him wonder what they see beyond the visible and except the exceptional ability not to get into each other's way - he has to admit that _this_ is quite a chemistry, then. He sighs as he looks up to the ceiling of the practice room, listening to the mutterings and gossipings of some others during their break.

Yeah, for some part, he's glad to be 'out of it'. But it still hurts, to be treated as second to _it_ \- to never be interesting enough to be talked about, to never be important enough to make people stay, to never be _that_ someone in somebody's life, whatever this is supposed to mean.

Shaking his head, he drags himself upwards. "Alright, lads, pack your gossip away and let's start moving! I won't let you off until the very last limb is in its correct space, so you better get ready," Ten picks up the pace, delightfully smirking at the collective groans.

"Aaah, _Ten_ , we're just getting to the good part-" one of them laments.

But the dancer is not with much mercy. "Yeah, I know - you can finally dance again! Isn't that great?" he throws in sarcastically, clapping his hands once - twice, and everyone gets regretfully into position.

Spiting everyone is just easier than wallow in self-pity.

And as the music starts again, he drowns himself in the feeling of belonging to _somewhere_ , if only for this moment. He doesn't even notice how everyone left after he dismissed practice, staying behind to work on another piece that needs to be finished soon - he doesn't notice how Taeyong sneaks into the room, quietly turning off the music.

It's only when Ten stumbles, irritated by the lack of sound, that he _sees_ the older dancer who throws a water bottle at him upon eye contact. Instinctively, fingers reach and catch it, Ten downing half of it in one go.

"Done with your class?" the younger one asks, wiping his mouth. There is a smile blossoming on his features, but the exhaustion still shimmers through. It's in the standstill that he notices how worn-out he is, how much he has to fend for air to breathe. He reminds himself to breathe slowly, one in - one out. Steadily.

"Yeah, I wrapped up just a moment ago and wanted to check up on you since you never finish on time," he says with this soft, accusing tone that doesn't even have to _have_ the intention of guilt-tripping him - it still does.

Ten feels a slight burn in some part of his mind, offering a weary smile. "I forgot - about time," he says lamely.

But he knows Taeyong knows him better than this. And because his best friend is who he is, he sits down on the ground and firmly pats the space next to him. Ten wants to complain about his aching body - that he needs to shower or something, but it's clear that this is a losing battle, so he complies. With a clumsy _plump_ , he lets himself fall down on the ground, waiting for the impending interrogation.

"Ten … what's going on?" Taeyong asks, as expected - genuine worry is covering his voice as he tries to find Ten's eyes; Ten _knows_ Taeyong must be doing it right now, even as the younger dancer avoids his glance.

"I won't get away with 'nothing', will I?" Ten tries.

Taeyong huffs. "If you want to get away with that, you could take over dish duty for the next three weeks."

"Please _not_ \- Johnny has cooking duty for the next two weeks and I _can't_ clean that mess he makes!" Ten gasps.

Taeyong has the audacity to _smirk_ (a, by the way, aesthetically very pleasing smirk, but a treacherous smirk nonetheless). "Then, unpack your feelings to your best friend," he says, nudging the younger dancer's sweaty arms with his own sweaty elbows.

_Huh_ , Ten thinks, _he must have rushed to get here._

For a while, there is only silence - only silence as their breathings become more steady and synchronised. Only silence as Taeyong snakes his fingers around Ten's, squeezing his hand comfortingly. And before both of them are out cold, Ten clears his throat.

"So …" he begins. He still doesn't know what to say - if he can even form it in words, but trying is all he can do for now. Deep breath - he can do it, can't he? "I … I'm just worried whether you'll be fine, you know? I know you're head over heels for that cashier guy, but what if he's an actual jerk?"

_Well_ , okay. So much for Team Truth.

… It's not entirely wrong, though, so he wills himself to accept it.

Taeyong's eyes widen as he scrambles to hold both of Ten's hands, not minding that they are disgustingly sweaty in this very moment. "Ten, I really appreciate your worry - actually, I'm also thinking the same, but … we're not kids anymore, and I promise you I will make sure that I'll be fine, too," he says with a warm smile. "But if it eases your mind, you can make one of your background checks if you want," he chuckles.

Ten rolls his eyes. "Bold of you to assume I didn't already - he's more or less okay, by the way, but that doesn't mean anything - but … thank you. I just want you to be happy, you know?" he replies softly, squeezing the hands that are holding his own.

And he really means it.

The soft shimmer of sunlight after a dark night hits him in the form of Taeyong's blossoming smile, speaking of genuine affection in its very own ways - as a friend, as his best friend.

"I want you to be happy, too," Taeyong says, pausing shortly before he chuckles. "And I think the first step to this is taking a shower, we reek of sweat." Both dancers burst into laughter as Ten lets himself be dragged up by Taeyong, mindless chatter filling their way to the shower cabins.

And maybe the lie - half-truth, really - is worth it. Ten considers it's better than making Taeyong feel bad about having a crush when neither of them can do anything about it when this is just the way it _is_. It seems inevitable, to become second, to become a little less relevant, and Ten thought he arranged himself with it a long time ago. It's something that just happens and it isn't like Ten wants to drag the other into the pithole of his own thoughts, too.

_I want you to be happy, too_ , the words still resonate in his mind.

_Yeah_ , he thinks, _I hope I will be, too._

  
  


\-----

  
  


Chenle would have never planned to be, like, _clingy_. But it _just_ turns out that for a long while, Jisung is the only friend he's made at the school so far, so he's naturally sticking to him whenever. And the same boy sits right beside him, so he _literally_ has no say. He does eventually warm up to some of his classmates and outside, even, but Jisung remains to be the most fun to hang out with.

Luckily, people stopped interrogating about his so-called 'love life' after he repeatedly stated he doesn't have much of an interest in any of that, murmuring under his breath about how people are so hung up on love that he can't even eat his sandwich in peace.

"I really don't get what the big fuss is about!" Chenle lets out frustrated, half-loudly muttering in the library. (To be fair, the library isn't exactly _known_ as a quiet place in the afternoon hours and his hissing is blending into the constant background chitter-chatter.)

Jisung only gives him a weak smile. "Well, if it comforts you, I don't … really, either," he answers, returning to his essay as if nothing has been spoken.

Chenle squints at the younger student. "You mean?"

"Uh … what you said? I don't really know what they're always talking about, so it's … alienating, sometimes," Jisung tries to say and write at the same time, but judging by the times he needs to cross out a wrongly written word, it's not going well.

The other hums, deciding to let the words sink and let Jisung finish that damn sentence (he's hung up on that since _forever_ ; to be fair, Chenle does a good job at keeping him distracted, though).

"So …" he moves on as soon as Jisung places a dot, "you don't, too? Are you sure?" He squints at him.

Jisung nods slowly. "I think? Or I understood something … like … wrongly, in the correct way, and that would be odd, I think." He scrunches his nose in confusion.

Chenle looks kind of amused as he leans back. It comes … actually pretty unexpected, though he guesses it might not be entirely out of the blue - after all, Jisung never talks about _it_ , and he never seems to be particularly offended when Chenle is lamenting over how love is overrated. But then again, he doesn't know if _that_ are really _the_ signs for … _this_.

"I don't think I hate romance, though," Jisung points out, a slight furrow building up between his eyebrows. "I don't think it's for me, either, but I … I just don't _get_ it, you know?"

Chenle nods. "I think I … do. Somehow?"

"Nice," Jisung says.

"Nice indeed," Chenle repeats after him.

A second of silent scribbling passes, just when-

"Uhm, on which page are we again?"

  
  


\-----

  
  


Sometimes, it's hard not to feel broken.

On most days, it's perfectly fine. Johnny feels okay, excited, warm - welcomed, even, despite the whirlwind that life can be.

On some days, he isn't. And it's almost strange how he can exactly pinpoint the moment where things aren't running as smoothly, the one second where he feels like the sky decides to pour one for his poor soul. Whenever people talk about this particular, apparently oh-so inherently human feeling, his smile turns gradually shallow.

(Not that many notice; he wonders if anyone does.)

He looks into the mirror, just the morning after the day when Taeyong came home so happily from his successful day. Something about something his boyfriend did for him, a surprise gift - Johnny doesn't feel like recalling the details. He does feel how a smile crawls up at the sheer memory of his friend's face-splitting grin - it's been long since he's been that _happy_ , so his boyfriend right now must be a lucky catch. And yet … it does nothing to manoeuvre away this hideous feeling in his chest.

He looks into the mirror, and stares at his own pair of eyes that became so … _hollow_.

Once upon a time, he's been hopeful. Once upon a time, he's been happy.

Once upon a now, despair is slowly sinking its fangs into his soul, and something bitter is threatening to swallow him whole.

He gets dressed quietly in order not to wake the two dancers of the apartment, silently seeing himself out. He takes the little lunch (the most basic sandwiches) with him, like usually prepared by Taeyong, though he doesn't miss the slightly imperfect attempt in-between the others that must have been made by Ten. He wonders about the meaning behind it, but smiles nonetheless.

And yet, he sighs without a sound as the door falls shut.

He wishes for a bit of a change, too, but he doesn't know if that's too much to ask for.

It doesn't take long to get to the school and find his usual seat in the teacher's lounge, running through his papers and notes before classes would officially start. At least the new student, Zhong Chenle, is somewhat integrating himself. Park Jisung definitely seems to make his life a tad bit easier on that part - one burden off his shoulders.

"Now, how's the date hunting going?" a familiar voice chimes into his rattling mind, making him look up - right into the face of none other than Nakamoto Yuta.

Johnny shoots him a weary smile. "Same as always," he only sighs, "I've agreed to another one today, though, so let's see how it goes."

"You really should take it easier on you, you know?" another early morning bird, Moon Taeil, chimes in. With one swift motion of his office chair, he's next to Johnny.

"You're one to talk," the taller one rolls his eyes, though he smiles. He knows Taeil only wants the best for him.

"I mean it," Taeil insists, patting him on the shoulder.

"Yeah, what are we gonna do if you're head over heels for somebody? Who's gonna work overtime in our stead?" Yuta exclaims dramatically.

A rubber is thrown precisely between his eyebrows (courtesy of Taeil).

"Don't talk like we _all_ don't already work overtime _all_ the time," the oldest one remarks, sighing heavily. He turns to Johnny who's chuckling to himself - until he sees the stern expression on the fellow teacher's face. "But seriously, Johnny, please take care of yourself, right? I don't know what you're exactly going through, but please, if you don't want to talk to me, talk to someone you trust, hm?" he says with that distractingly soothing voice of his (it's unfair how he can just sing a high note and his class is _somewhat_ attentive while he has to wrestle a bit for it; but that's a musical genius for you).

Yuta nods eagerly. "Yeah, man, don't let the kids catch on you, either, or you won't hear the end of it," he warns.

The three collectively shudder, remembering the aftermath of what happened when the kids found out their beloved Kun-gē seemed to have a crush on someone, but refused to tell them who it was. The entire 'hunt' of some sort was definitely not a nice memory and they didn't even found out who that crush _was_ or is, even now, one and a half year later.

Johnny smiles at the both of them. "Yeah, don't worry, I'll- fix it," he promises.

They said he shouldn't make promises he can't keep, but it feels more comfortable to lie to himself.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Ten stares out of the window. He's already ready by long, which is not a common occurrence, but … now then. Changing times require changing mannerisms. He knows it's only so long until Taeyong will leave them, so they better get used to it (but if he gets any complaints about the sandwich attempts he made earlier for Johnny, he's going to break some kneecaps).

Times are changing, but he isn't even so sure if Taeyong, the eye of the storm, is actually aware of it.

Jumping down from the windowsill as the door to the older's room is opening, Ten lands on his feet, a smile greeting the one exiting. "Sor- I mean, thanks for waiting, shall we head out, then?" Taeyong's quick to ask and Ten nods with a grin.

"Let's head out!" the shorter remarks, a small burst of energy, following as Taeyong leads the way out. They talk about meaningless things, silly little banter on their way to the bus stop.

"Hey …" Ten suddenly asks as they take the bus and sit down next to each other. He doesn't tear his eyes away from the outside view, but he knows he has the older's attention. "Do you think Johnny acts different?" he wonders out loud, tapping his fingernails on the window.

Taeyong hums. "Honestly … I'm not sure, but I do feel like something is … eating him from the inside," he answers thoughtfully. "Have you spoken with him?"

Ten shakes his head. "Nah, I sometimes think about it, but … not sure," he says. "Have you?"

Another shaking head. "I tried a few times, but he's gotten plenty defensive. I just hope he will open up about one day …" Taeyong says with a weary sigh. "Am I a bad friend?"

Ten turns his head and rests it on the other's shoulder. "You're a great friend, and I'm going to _hunt_ you if you think otherwise," he says earnestly, muffled in their close proximity.

Even when he thinks he knows how the other's internal hierarchy of relationships likely looks like, he doesn't consider Taeyong a bad friend. It's just … a happening, but he trusts the dancer beside him that they won't stop being friends, just because. It will change, for sure, but … alright. As long as he's not entirely forgotten.

It's all he can ever ask for.

Taeyong chuckles silently, a gentle tone that pleasantly lingers in the immediate air around them. He ruffles the younger's hair with a grin. "Thank you," he replies with a little hum.

They don't talk for the rest of the ride, enjoying the last remnants of silence before booming music and heavy beats would shake away the little sleepiness that circulates in their systems. But for now, both are caught in their own little bubble and cogs turn in Ten's head about this and that - without an order to follow, just whatever he can remember, back and forth.

But as they exit the bus, only little way until they reach the dance studio … "Taeyong, you don't happen to know Johnny's blind date for today?"

  
  


\-----

  
  


The day wraps up just nicely.

… Alright, Jisung did manage to empty one of their dice sets on the floor and the whole class had to look for all dice for several minutes (he'd never substitute Maths for Wendy again, that he promised this day). Chenle was much less of a help, rather cackling in the background (it made him question whether he's been that unhelpful in his teenage years, too), _but_ at long last, he managed to get out of there alive.

Like, kind of. More or less. Someone somehow let it slip that their favorite English teacher has another blind date, a fact that seems to be known by the whole school by the end of the school day - he silently shakes his head at the sight of little devilish faces chirping their encouragements.

(Or maybe, they actually mean their words when they say them - it just feels frustrating to be cheered on by teenagers who probably went through five first loves by now.)

But this isn't the point - the point is, he needs to get back home, eat a bit, dress up and finally go to the agreed location, all in less than one and a half hour. Good riddance, he shouldn't have suggested an afternoon cup of coffee … but then again, it's what makes him at ease the most, so if there is anything that could have gone wrong previously, it's probably the stiff setting that hasn't contributed to him feeling comfortable, right?

(Not some strange hole in his heart … right?)

He only comes as far as the school gates before he notices a slender silhouette on the lookout - before he's met with familiar eyes. It shouldn't be surprising to see Ten per se, but this … is new. Astonishment is coloring his face as he jogs over to the younger dancer, smiling at his best friend. "Ten! Fancy seeing you here, do you have any business with the school?"

But Ten only hums in reply, tucking away his phone. "Nah, I have 'business' with you. We need to talk," he says, gesturing towards Johnny's parked car.

"-But I told you I have a blind date today?" Johnny replies confused. It isn't so much the fact that Ten wants to talk to him than the fact that he chose _this_ time out of every. He furrows his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I know, that's why I already told your blind date not to come," the dancer rolls his eyes.

"How- you can't just decide for me!" Johnny has the decency to whisper-shout, aware of plenty of pairs of eyes on him. Right here … well. He really can't freak out, can he? His best friend just cancelled his date for a 'talk', but so what? Begrudgingly, he follows Ten to the car who already skipped ahead. But even as they are seated, he doesn't start the engine just yet. Instead, silence fills up, but it's an uncomfortable one.

"Just so you know, I don't think you both would've worked out, anyway," Ten eventually breaks the silence with a quiet voice. It probably should have come off as soothing, but right now, it only irritates Johnny.

"How can you know, Ten? What if you're wrong, how can you even say that when you're-" the teacher blurts out, frustrated beyond no avail - but when he sees the tense expression on the other's face, he deflates, head dropping down to the steering wheel. "Sorry, I- all of this just comes out of the blue," he apologises. Ten doesn't say anything for a while, leaving both of them to their thoughts only.

"It's okay," Ten eventually says. "Sorry I didn't warn you, but … we really need to talk, okay? Taeyong and I are worried about you, and …" Johnny glances sidewards just a little bit, to see the contemplation on the dancer's face - as if there is so much _more_ to say, but he doesn't. Instead, Ten asks, "Is it okay if I touch you?"

Silently, Johnny nods, sitting upright - or at least more upright than before. Ten begins to draw small circles on Johnny's shoulder, cautiously at first, and eventually engulfing him in a hug.

"We're gonna talk, okay?" Ten murmurs sternly, nuzzling his nose into the crane of Johnny's neck, the feeling of odd familiarity a relaxing one. "If it _is_ important to you, you can pretend I'm your blind date, hm?" He knows the other is joking, and it's a horrible joke on top of that, but he still ends up snorting when Ten releases him from his grip.

"I thought you don't want to be involved in that romance stuff," Johnny huffs out, amused yet curious.

Ten only shrugs. "If it makes you talk about what's been bothering you, I can deal with it," he remarks with a soft grin. "Promise you will try? You can also pick whatever location you feel comfortable at."

And perhaps, the sound of it isn't so bad. It feels a lot more relaxing compared to putting himself through yet another encounter with a stranger.

"Okay," he says. And then, he starts the engine.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Jisung still has the picture in front of his eyes. The slow-motion memory of dice falling out of the case, spluttering over the ground; Johnny's face of mild terror (though not entirely unsurprised); Chenle's cackling and the mild feeling that he should be glad it's just some random dice set instead of the artistic stuff Mark always buys.

He remembers how the air seemed to still - before a thousand little _clack clack clack_ s invaded his ears.

And then, it was over.

To be honest, it's one of the more memorable moments of his entire school career so far, if only for the cold feeling of horror running down his spine. It might be 'just' a random dice set, but it is still property of their Maths teacher, Wendy Son. And even as he knows she wouldn't get _upset_ , he really can't bear her 'I'm not mad, just disappointed' look. Even as Johnny vouched he wouldn't tell her, he doesn't know about his classmates. Well … that is. He isn't even so sure if his classmates care enough about it. He sighs on their way out, trying to distract himself with mindless chatter with Chenle who nudges him mid-sentence as they approach the school gates.

"Huh, who's that guy?" he points at the person standing with their English teacher, Johnny.

Jisung squints, surprise coloring his face soon enough. "Oh, that's Ten-hyung! He's dancer and choreographer at the dance studio in the city center, and he's friends with Taeyong-hyung who is my dance instructor," he explains quickly, "I sometimes run into Ten-hyung, too, and I think they're friends with Johnny-hyung."

"You take dance lessons?" Chenle asks, astonished. "That sounds cool!"

Jisung grins, nodding enthusiastically. "I really like it, it's super cool and everyone is really friendly, it's really a lot of fun - uhm, in fact, I could ask Taeyong-hyung if I can bring a friend if you like?" he says without thinking much - but the irritation on Chenle's face eradicates any further thought on that matter. His smile slips.

_Ah_ , he thinks to himself, _that's one thing 'friends' don't do?_

"Uh, don't mind it, I was just- you know-" he tries to save it.

"Nah, could be fun?" Chenle intercepts - thoughtfully at first, but soon, a grin is blossoming on his face. "I mean, I'm not the best dancer, but it sounds fun? You seem to have fun."

Jisung's mouth falls open, words circling in his head - so, maybe-? "Yes! I'll ask this week, so whenever you're ready!" he exclaims cheerfully and it makes Chenle grin.

"I'm usually more of a vocalist, though, wanna join my vocal lessons in return?" the other remarks with a laugh. "I don't think they are any fun, but you know, I think Doyoung-hyung is a bit tired of just tutoring me - I'm just _too_ good."

The younger one snorts, but he is immediately onboard, nodding enthusiastically. "That'd be cool, to be honest? I've never sang much before … Oh, oh, when do you have your lessons?"

They pass the school gate without really paying attention to their surroundings, more interested in making plans for this or the other 'talent exchange', as Chenle eventually dubbed it.

Jisung grins; it seems to be a fun thing.

  
  


\-----

  
  


They are still talking about what they want to do when they reach Chenle's house, only briefly greeting the parents (and relieving his mother from a tray of snacks and drinks) before they scurry into his room for some unsurprising workload of homework.

"Ah, seriously …" Chenle sighs as he opens the textbooks. Even as he knows they are supposed to do it, there is still this invisible barrier that keeps him from starting right away, staring silently at the text in front of him. Jisung begins to unpack his textbooks as well, much more determined - Chenle remembers a tidbit of their conversation, that he doesn't like schoolwork, but he wants to do well enough, so he can show his parents he can manage dance _and_ academics.

… Speaking of Jisung, Chenle eyes him curiously. There's just this one thing he wonders about-

He doesn't notice he was staring until his sight is blocked by a textbook shoved into his face. Quite literally. "Do you think that's correct?" the younger boy asks, irritated. Chenle scrunches his nose, only having a quick look at what's right in front of his eyes.

"Definitely not, look at page fifteen," he comments. He shoves the textbook back to its owner and tries to concentrate on his own work. But just after a few seconds, he groans, putting his pen down with a (what he thought as) impactful _thump_. "Let's take a break," he says, and it isn't a suggestion. With a single sigh, Chenle lets himself plummet to the ground.

Jisung looks up in surprise, a glimpse of what Chenle catches before the younger scurries closer to him, looking down to face him.

"Is something the matter?" Jisung asks, genuine curiosity lacing his voice.

_Ah, yes_ , the universal question to dig for something that does not want to be dug out, but has to be dug out nonetheless. Or, like, something like that.

Chenle stares at Jisung.

Jisung stares at Chenle.

"Be honest, are you falling in love with me?" Chenle blurts out.

Jisung looks a good mixture of scrutinised, horrified and confused that it evokes a laugh out of Chenle, making his whole body double over in laughter. "-Sorry, this came out so _wrong_ ," he manages to say between huffs and Jisung's inconsistent stutter. "Of course, you're not in love with me, for which I am grateful."

He lets out the last air of laughter, sitting up, sighing. Well, this is certainly the strangest thing of the day, though probably not of the entire week. He shakes his head - only to realise that Jisung looks none the wiser.

… Perhaps Chenle forgot to say it out loud. "I mean- I was just … wondering. Can I tell you something?" he tries anew.

Jisung nods, still skeptical from before (and Chenle does consider it a good sign, in whatever strange - ordinary way).

  
The boy takes a deep breath. "Alright, so … have you ever heard of aromantic? Being aromantic, identifying as aromantic? Just - aromantic?" he asks the other who shakes his head slowly.

"I … think vaguely? But not, uhm, in detail, actually - sorry," Jisung squints, though his expression loses a bit of the confusion.

Chenle shakes his head. "Don't be. But, uhm … in the very, _very_ basic terms of it, it describes a person who doesn't experience or feel or however-you-call-it romantic attraction. It's an umbrella term, though, so there are so many experiences that may fit under it that I can't possibly list all of them correctly," he explains and earns a careful nod of the younger each and every time.

"So … big guess, but … are you-?" Jisung finally lets out, eyes going wide.

"Uh, yeah, yes, I'm - aromantic," the other confirms, actually presenting a sheepish smile. It's … it feels a bit like the first time trying to explain it (his parents don't _really_ count yet, but he's working on that). He scratches the back of his head. Will he-? "I'm also not really fond of romance or love, but _that's_ a whole other story-"

"-this makes so much sense," the younger blurts out in amazement, judging by the many "woah"s following his words.

Chenle stares at his friend, deadpan, listening to the under-the-breaths-muttering and … wait. That's it? That … that's it?

"... You believe me?" he asks, just to be sure.

Jisung has the audacity - and, maybe, the right - to _snort_. "Why wouldn't I? If you say so, it must be true, right?" he grins, bumping his fist against Chenle's shoulder. Both burst into laughter, a moment of silliness as they forget over homework and just relish in _being_.

_Well_ , Chenle thinks, _that went a lot smoother than I thought._ And he smiles, inside-out, even yelling a battle cry when they finally go back to tackle their homework. … Loud enough for his mother to show up with a worried face.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Johnny is a lot more nervous than he thought. Like, _a lot_. And this feels … odd, considering that he's at his favorite café (despite crashed date plans, he still opted to go to that place) _and_ he's seated across from _Ten_ , one of his closest friends since basically forever.

It shouldn't feel awkward, but it kind of does.

To be fair, he thinks that everyone would falter under Ten's scrutinising gaze and the pressure of the unknown. He clears his throat awkwardly.

"So …" Johnny tries to start. "Are you just going to stare at me until I grow horns or is there actually anything you want to ask me?" There is a laugh, trying to lift the mood, but it wavers when Ten doesn't react as desired.

Instead, the younger one only squints _harder_. "Well, maybe, that's actually not a bad idea …" Ten murmurs.

Johnny winces. "Please do not," he remarks dryly, "we're going to wait until we're old and grey, then."

Ten shrugs, a devilish glimmer returning life to his expression. Not _much_ better, but at least it's something more familiar. "Well, you were the one suggesting it, don't blame me," the dancer pointedly remarks, taking a sip of his drink. "But … alright. Actually, I've been waiting for you to say something, but …" Ten looks up at him, quietly. "... should I try to guess it?"

To be honest, both of them look dumbfounded, even the one asking. It seems like a wayward thing to do, especially after Johnny pretending nothing was wrong for _weeks_ \- and now Ten wants to … guess it? Simple as that? He looks at Ten as if he actually grew horns, and blinks slowly.

"... Sure," he says (because why turn it down?).

"Okay!" Ten regains his spirit, smiling encouragingly and Johnny relaxes a bit. "Okay. Okay - let me ask you some questions, then. Is there something that is bothering you?"

The older one gulps, unperceived by the unknowing eye - but Ten sees it, watching his every movement with sharp eyes. Now, is there even a point of denying?

"Yes," he answers.

Ten hums. "Does it have something to do with someone I know?"

"Yes."

A pause as Ten's gaze seems to turn him inside-out, and he gulps again.

"Is it _someone else_ you are bothered with?"

"... No."

Ten hums once more. "So, this is about yourself. Is it about a habit of yours?"

"I'm not sure …" Johnny replies, scrunching his face thoughtfully. "Maybe? Yes?"

"So, it doesn't _directly_ have something to do with a bad habit?"

After a while, Johnny replies. "... Yeah, I think so."

"And you feel bad about it?"

"I guess that is a given," Johnny sighs, a weary smile on his face.

"It shouldn't be," Ten says softly, "but to continue with the flow - do you … feel like you need to fix it?"

"... Yes," the older lets out. It sounds hollow.

"Does everyone in your environment think it's something you need to fix?"

Johnny shakes his head. "I wouldn't assume, no."

"Is it something important to you?"

A nod, then, "... yes. I guess it is."

"And this would furthermore lead to …!" the younger lets out with mock vigour, and it manages to get a smile out of Johnny, albeit he does fear whatever will come out of his mouth. Ten's eyes turn serious, a sincere brand of curiosity - of _worry_ that he displays. "... Has it something to do with why you're going on so many blind dates?"

Johnny gulps again, averting his eyes from the ones that are so painfully worried when it's _his_ problem all along - not Ten's. He shouldn't burden someone else with whatever his brain is, unhelpfully, supplying.

But of course, Ten has other plans - from the beginning, probably, as he hears how the other is shifting, shuffling, and for a second he hopes - fears? - that he's gone now, leaving him alone in the misery of his paradox being, and yet … A chair next to him is being pulled back, and within no time, Ten sits down next to him. And even as Johnny wishes - or not - for Ten to just leave him be, he leans into the space that Ten willingly offers, a heavy head dropping onto the other's shoulder with a defeated sigh.

They haven't even talked, actually, but he feels so … _exhausted_.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Ten asks gently, patting strands of his hair.

Johnny shakes his head. For now, all he needs to do is … think, maybe. Their drinks turn cold by the time Johnny finishes to scribble down notes over notes on a tissue. He smiles despite himself at the turn of events - instead of being on a blind date, he's now writing on a coffee shop tissue with some commercial gift pen, and next to him is Ten who pretends not to watch him while he writes, but he knows the other does just that. And maybe, this time around, it's … actually a little helpful, too, to make him think carefully about his words.

By the end of it, he feels a bit better.

He hands the tissue to Ten, a mixture of anticipation and dread surging his body. It feels like handing over an exam - only that Ten makes it clear he doesn't have to read it if he doesn't want him to. And truthfully, Johnny almost pried it out of Ten's bare hands, but eventually, it remains in Ten's fingers. For once, he doesn't want to keep it just to himself anymore.

Thus, he waits. And waits. And waits and waits as Ten turns the tissue in his hands, squinting at his careless-careful scribblings, snorting at one or another attempt at humour, and Johnny sees how his face turns somber when he reads _those_ lines. He feels how Ten's free hand searches for his - and he feels the comforting little squeeze - and he just _feels_ , but it feels all too different and yet the same that he cannot comprehend.

It's a little much, for an afternoon.

Eventually, Ten is done reading and he folds the tissue carefully, meticulously, before he hands it over to Johnny with a smile. "Keep it," he says, "I think you should remember this - and when you don't need it anymore, you can throw it away."

That's the only thing he says as they finish their drinks (with some or another rueful words over their now-cold brew exchanged) and leave the coffee shop.

Later that day, Johnny receives a bunch of links to webpages and even finds a few old, slightly tattered brochures and informational papers on his desk, alongside silly memes and wholesome drawings of cats in both material and digital form. Throughout the evening and the following days, he sees plenty green and pastel pink and lavender hearts. He isn't entirely sure how deeply involved Taeong is in this whole scheme, but the other does make sure to cook Johnny's favorite dish that day (and the following five, just to be sure) and he feels _loved_ in such a way, it's … odd.

Odd, but not necessarily bad … right?

He stops going to blind dates and it feels a bit easier to breathe. Even as not everything is as easy as said, it's … a start, and that's all he can ask for.

A start, somewhere along the line.

  
  


\-----

  
  


The days per such are pretty boring - they pass without much notice, though if he were to pay attention to them more closely, Chenle would realise that he's learning something new each and every day. About himself, for example, or about the world he lives in or about … Jisung.

Like the bomb he just dropped.

"Can you repeat that?" Chenle asks, an incredulous crease between his eyebrows.

"Oh," Jisung looks flattened, but clears his throat nevertheless, "uhm, it's just - I think - _maybe_ , I … I have a crush on Sungchan? But - I _might_ have one or not, I'm not sure, it's-"

And Chenle's face falls, just a little. He conveniently blends out the rest of Jisung's waterfall of words - he does feel bad about it because the other just looks _this_ confused, but … it's one thing or another to listen to someone rant about the very topic he's been avoiding ever since he's been confronted with it on a day-to-day basis.

"-Sorry," he says, somewhere in-between the blurred words, "I think the teacher's calling me."

Oh, poor, poor Jisung - now, he looks even _more_ confused. A silent "Oh, okay-" is all he catches before Chenle dashes out of the classroom. Right now, it's break time between lessons and there is literally _no_ logic or even pure possibility in calling him in this specific moment, but … anyway. He groans silently to himself once he leaves the doors behind him, trailing back and forth the corridor.

Well, this … did not go well.

And to be honest, it doesn't improve. There is still a stinging feeling in his chest when he returns to the classroom, Jisung even asking if he was called for something bad that happened ("don't be stupid, of course not") and he continues to lie. Some part of him … feels alien to him now, and he avoids talking to the other for the rest of the day, pretending to be in a hurry.

Even though he really wants to come clean with it, the nagging doesn't stop when he tries to identify it - label it, categorise it, name it, anything to make it feel easier to handle.

Instead, it remains, and so does the growing distance between him and Jisung.

_But … why Jisung of all people?_ , he thinks to himself after hightailing out of an impending conversation about the 'talent exchange' thing. He knows they've agreed that he should come over for one of Jisung's dance lessons one of those days, but he really doesn't feel like it, finding lackluster excuses why he suddenly doesn't have time anymore.

Instead, he retreats to the inner workings of his mind, even though he understands them even less and lesser now.

  
  


\-----

  
  


To Ten, it doesn't feel like much has changed - or at least, that's how he views it. He still lives with Taeyong and Johnny, whereas the infamous boyfriend is a growing constant in the former's life. Perhaps, it's only logical that Johnny and Ten gravitate a little bit closer - perhaps, it has always been a little like this.

But one thing that changed for the better is certainly that Johnny looks happier now - still dejected, from time to time, and demanding cuddles more often than not, but … it's working out, somehow. He's working it out, and all Ten can do is trying to help as much as possible. Given, both their experiences differ in crucial points and neither of them actually labelled anything, but that doesn't stop him from trying his best - for both him and Taeyong.

"And it's really okay for you guys?" Taeyong worries over his now-lukewarm cup of peppermint tea, the three of them being surrounded by the refreshing fragrance in the kitchen.

Ten rolls his eyes, leaning back on the counter as he looks at Taeyong who sits at the kitchen table. "Yongie, yes - heavens, it isn't even like you want to sell one of our limbs!" he exhales dramatically.

"Well, if that were to happen, I'd like to have a word in that," Johnny remarks playfully.

"But it feels like it?" Taeyong takes a sip, and stares at both his friends at once - as much as possible when they are standing on opposite sides of the kitchen. " _This_ -" he gestures around, "-has been our dream ever since, and now I just want to …" He sighs.

Johnny takes a seat close to him, taking one of Taeyong's hands into his. "It's fine, hm? It's also not like you plan to move to a whole different city," he says with this gentle voice of his. Ten joins them at the table soon after.

There is a bristling feeling in the center of his chest, but … it's a little bit different.

He wraps both his hands around the others' free hand. For a moment, he makes eye contact with Johnny - who silently nods at him, an encouraging smile on his lips. And that's when Ten knows he can't keep it forever. Like Johnny faced his demons, he should, too.

Johnny looks at both his best friends, ruffling their hair. "In fact, I rather think there is something you need to talk out between you two, so I'll … uhm … dust … the living room," he declares in the newfound pause, leaving soon after.

The silence remains - a silence in which Ten only stares at his and Taeyong's still-intertwined hands. Heavens, he told Johnny already - and honest to good, what is there to stop him from yelling it from the top of a skyscraper, much less telling Taeyong?

"Hey, you know?" Ten clears his throat, catching the attention of his best friend - who looks almost fearful. Ten squeezes the other's hand even more. "A … part of me didn't like that you got a boyfriend. And please-" He raises an eyebrow at Taeyong's already opened mouth. "-let me finish first. So. Don't get me wrong, I was and I _am_ really happy when it worked out for you, and I am still very glad that he didn't turn out to be a jerk so far - and will likely not - but … yeah. I - it's … I was afraid I would-" He gulps. "-that I would lose you to someone who _is_ your romantic love interest, that I would be second fiddle all over again-"

"You're not!" Taeyong interrupts, looking at the younger one sternly. "At least, I don't - you're not - I'm sorry, did I? I never wanted to make you feel like you mean less to me, right?"

" _Taeyong_ , I wasn't even finished," Ten interrupts. Taeyong immediately zips his mouth and it makes him chuckle. _Alright._ Now the rest.

Ten takes a breath. "Well, I - I wanted to say," he continues with a small but growing smile. "You made me realise that … you wouldn't just abandon me? You still care so much about me and about Johnny, and it just makes me be in _awe_ over how you manage to make so much space in your heart for all of us. And I'm just - so grateful for that," he squeezes the other's hands once again, placing his head on Taeyong's shoulder.

"So … if you want to move out, it's fine, you hear me? Because I know you will still be with us, somehow," he says, nuzzling his face in the familiar scent. "You're still my best friend."

A hand finds its way into Ten's dark locks, softly petting and playing with the strands of his hair, Taeyong's fingers stroking him soothingly. "I'm … I'm sorry I didn't know of your feelings before-" he begins.

"You couldn't, you fool," Ten snorts.

"Still! I should've noticed-"

"But you know now, right? That's good enough," Ten says firmly. It's then that he lifts his head up to look the other in the eye, a smile on his face. Taeyong hums, reflecting the smile.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess."

And there is this peculiar feeling in Ten's chest that he cannot quite grasp, though he hasn't always been a fan of labelling things to begin with. He rather enjoys the feeling itself, trying to describe it in his mind with the most colorful hues he can think of instead of trying to gamble for words. More than anything, he focuses on the feeling of a little warmth as and for itself.

It's a cozy feeling, and a feeling of finally … _something_ , something he can keep.

He knows he isn't banished from one life for another, and perhaps it was always like this. Things do change, but that might not be as bad - as _drastic_ \- as he thought.

It feels easier to breathe and to laugh.

(And well … as Taeyong announces he's renting the apartment next to their current one as soon as he got to know it's going to be vacant soon, it feels like a large and a small step at the same time.)

  
  


\-----

  
  


Jisung lets out a long sigh. It's been a few days with Chenle not speaking that much with him - and he isn't so oblivious not to notice that he's definitely been avoided. Perhaps he made a mistake? But it confuses him, everything of it, without making much sense. Jaemin was pretty curious and kind of excited when he told him about his presumed feelings afterwards - but that's also Jaemin speaking. Chenle isn't anything like the older student, but … just _him_. And he wondered what made him lose him, out of all people.

Was it this bad?

He frowns.

"Woah, Jisungie, what's with that gloomy expression of yours?" a familiar voice shakes him back to reality. He looks up to Ten with wide eyes.

"Ten-hyung? Why are you here? Is Taeyong-hyung sick?" he wonders out loud.

"Nah, I'm just watching over the lot of you while he's doing a few other things before class starts," Ten hums. "I thought you wanted to bring a friend?"

A pained expression is plastering the young dancer's face, nose scrunched up as he remembers their … fall-out of some sorts. "Yeah … but …" he mutters.

"You're fighting?"

Jisung nods. "Well - or, that's what I _assume_ because he, like, avoids me? But I don't even really know why … or maybe, I do-" he mutters under his breath, clueless eyes pacing back and forth between Ten and everything else.

"Care to share? If you're comfortable with it," Ten offers, sitting down cross-legged next to the other.

For a moment, Jisung does contemplate - what is there to lose in telling Ten? It isn't like it's very embarrassing or that he will actually see him more than twice a week at most, right? So … he clears his throat. "Uhm - I told him I might have a crush on someone and he got … mad? Or something like to this? Actually, not really, but- it feels like he's mad, he doesn't talk to me anymore."

Ten hums, acknowledgingly. When Jisung looks up, there seems to be a notion of familiarity in the other's eyes, but he keeps quiet.

"You think he's in love with you instead?" the older dancer throws into the room - and immediately, Jisung's eyes widen in shock.

"Ah - _no_ , that definitely not, I don't think so - he's aromantic, and he doesn't seem to like the idea of romance overall, so … I don't _think_ so."

Ten looks at him carefully, an amused grin playing with the corner of his lips (and Jisung does wonder what's so funny here). "Well, then … do you think he's afraid of you not wanting to hang out anymore because you're going to be all over your crush now? Perhaps he's afraid you're only wanting to talk about that now?" the dancer voices carefully, one syllable after another.

Cogs rattle in the constellation of Jisung's brain cells, and … _huh_.

It doesn't make any sense to him.

"But - why would he? I still want to talk with him about so many things that _isn't_ my crush, like, _he's_ my best friend!" Jisung frowns and it only makes Ten laugh.

"Maybe he doesn't know?" the dancer chuckles, a thoughtful tone lacing his voice. "I think you should tell him, just to be safe."

There is still a little look of disbelief on his face, but Jisung nods nonetheless, smiling a bit more brightly in face of having at least an option of what to do after all his previous attempts ended up to be futile. "I'll try that! Thank you, hyung."

"Always, young lad - and bring him here next time, I'd like to meet him," Ten ruffles the younger dancer's hair with a gentle smile.

"Will do!" Jisung says when Taeyong arrives, with Ten's departure following soon after. To be honest, he thought he couldn't concentrate on dancing today, but with a more definite plan in mind, he tries not to think about it much before it actually happens - he still wants to enjoy the here and now of what he does, paying close attention to Taeyong's words and instructions.

_We cross that bridge when we get there, huh?_

He just hopes that Ten does know what he's talking about (he isn't always so sure).

  
  


\-----

  
  


Chenle is pretty sure he can run away for as long as he _wants_ because that is solely his doing and no one's business.

But he also knows that this is far, _far_ from the truth and that he doesn't want to stop himself yet again from sending a meme to Jisung, just because they're 'fighting'. Even his mom called him stupid when he told him why Jisung isn't coming over ("He has a crush, must be busy or stuff-" - "I thought I gave you more brain cells than that."), and she _never_ does that. He's too good for that!

So, _why?_

Friday comes around once more, about a week after the unfortunate revelation, and it does feel like forever. It's in English class when he decides this has to end - he _has_ to talk to Jisung and firmly, he rips a piece of paper out of his notebook. _Meet me on the rooftop_ , he scribbles down, discreetly passing it over to Jisung - who, honest to good, doesn't look as discreet, a gasp escaping him, but he manages to stifle it before it catches attention.

Not that the 'subtle' thumbs-up is much better.

Chenle rolls his eyes, but there's a smile on his face. Perhaps, they can talk it out.

When lunch break comes around, both of them are storming the hell out of the classroom, dashing towards the stairs leading upwards, taking two steps at once before they halt in front of the door - where they ultimately stay after deciding that it's far too cold to be outside.

"So," Jisung says awkwardly, "what do you want to talk about?"

Chenle looks at him, somewhat thoughtfully, and scrunches his nose. "Uh, that-"

"-because I also want to say something, so do you mind me going first?" Jisung interrupts hastily. On second look, he _really_ looks like there is something brimming inside of him. Chenle nods.

_Well_ , he thinks, _here goes nothing._

Jisung sighs out in relief. " _Good_ , because I've really been dying to tell you - but, uhm, are you by any chance afraid that I don't want to spend time with you anymore? I mean, Ten-hyung mentioned that, but I'm not entirely convinced because you _know_ I'm your friend, no matter what - in fact, I, uh, think we're _best_ friends - whatever will happen, right? - And, wait-" he squints. "You _do_ know that, right?"

Chenle feels dumbfounded, to be entirely honest - it's not what he's been expecting, but that doesn't mean it's unpleasant. Rather, it's actually … nice?

"Don't tell me you actually didn't know!" he hears how Jisung exclaims exasperatedly, going on about how that's just _so_ not cool of either of them, but Chenle is still too speechless to properly react to any of that, instead allowing a laugh to bubble from somewhere inside of him. And once the first sound is out, Jisung joins far too easily, both boys bending over in laughter over something they cannot even properly grasp.

"Well-" Chenle intercepts, "-that wasn't even what I wanted to talk about, but … uhm. Thanks, it's - nice to know?" He grins, taking a deep breath. "Actually … what I wanted to say is … I'm sorry? For reacting like this when you told me - uhm - about your 'crush'." (Yes, he does air quotation marks, shut up.) "It's just … dunno. I thought you'd be like me and we could joke about love forever, but now that you might have a crush, I guess … a lot of things came to be. It's just so weird, why do you even come to me for advice!" he lets out irritated and he isn't even so sure what he's talking about.

Jisung frowns. "Isn't it obvious? You're my best friend and we can still joke about love if you want, it doesn't need to change anything? I mean, I am _not_ even _sure_ if I have a crush, that's … why I asked you …" he says, puzzled.

Chenle looks at him with a skeptical glance. "You sure?"

The other nods feverishly. "Ye-p!"

It literally feels too easy to be true, but perhaps, there are a few things Chenle _doesn't_ know - or doesn't know about in this specific context. Sure, he can definitely not tell if Jisung won't betray his words later on, but for now … it doesn't feel like he's going to become irrelevant soon, and it's not like he's losing someone 'just' because of a crush.

He hasn't noticed how much he overrated love by underrating it.

"Alright! Then let's find out if that crush of yours is really a crush," Chenle sighs out, though there is a grin on his face.

He still doesn't like romance all that much, and he is not going to like it that much _ever_ , but … well. It seems to be a part of someone's life, to some degree, and only because he recognises this much doesn't mean he needs to center his life around it.

He doesn't need to think about it if he doesn't want to.

For Jisung, though … well, it's only for so long, right?

"But first, I need you to catch up on that-" Jisung throws the topic out of the conversation quickly. He scurries over to show Chenle the abundance of saved memes and think pieces he failed to send over the last week. Chenle does the same, scrolling through his gallery as they comment everything thoroughly. In fact, they almost miss going back to class and have to hurry before their Maths teacher can look at them with a disapproving frown.

Yeah, but that's just about it.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Living with only Johnny feels different. Not bad different - just different. Naturally, it means that both Ten and Johnny have to fulfill a bigger role when it comes to chores, but with Taeyong just a door away, there is still comfort and convenience that the overbearing mother hen of their group can't miss to provide. But even as this fades little by little as time flies by, it's not as frustrating to think about as Ten thought.

Taeyong seems to be happy - he isn't so sure about 'happier', but he can forgive Taeyong's boyfriend for taking him out of the equation of their precious trinity as long as the genuine smile stays on his face. And whenever they receive yet another selfie and/or video call during one of their dates, Ten feels equal parts repelled and included, oddly enough.

But not only that - Johnny, too, is getting around.

While dejected at first, once he dives deeper into what it means to him personally, he seems thrilled by the possibilities he's discovering now as he sheds the concept of needing an exclusive, romantic relationship for himself - that there is a _world_ outside of romance (and always was). And it doesn't have to be that deep - or tragic. Ten still notices the small longing whenever they come across this or that, but he tries to distract him with other things, make him focus on something else instead.

The increasing amount of succulents littering the apartment is sort of concerning, though. But if it makes Johnny happy, he isn't one to say something.

And it quite does - Ten just comes home to the sight of one Johnny, long limbs folded together to sit at their coffee table in the living room, with a dopey smile covering his face. He's surrounded with his latest acquisitions of succulents, all trying to fit them into an oval pot in the most aesthetically pleasing way. The familiarity drives away the dark clouds looming the dancer a little bit, a smile slowly crawling up on his face as he approaches the other.

Ten lets himself fall next to him with a _thump_ , leaning against Johnny and burying his face half-way in the other's comfort.

"Tough work day?" Johnny hums. Ten simply groans, nuzzling his nose closer against the fabric of his hoodie, only to evoke a laugh. "Shush, it's okay - whatever you _think_ you messed up, I'm sure you'll get back at it in no time," he says, soothing voice and all.

Ten doesn't reply immediately, relishing rather in watching over Johnny's shoulder how he moves the little pots around. "Yeah," he finally says, "it's just … frustrating."

Johnny nods wistfully. "Well, you're talking to an English teacher who takes a break from correcting essays, so …"

The dancer perks up, eyeing Johnny with more care than before - and he discovers the dark rings under his eyes, a somewhat grim feeling under the happy exterior, red color smudges on his hands. This, and the fact that Johnny chose to distract himself with his succulents, basically the emergency happy pill, should have been quite telling - neither of them seem to be in a stellar mood. Without wasting a second, Ten hugs the other tightly, though he makes sure Johnny can still move his own arms.

"Tough luck today, huh?" Ten hums. "Sorry for not noticing earlier."

Johnny returns the hum. "Don't be, you're tired, too," he says, "besides, I'm already sitting here for an hour, so I'm almost fine again."

Ten scrunches his nose. "Wait, you're telling me you're doing this for an hour and you didn't decide on anything?" he asks, irritation lacing his voice. He doesn't mind people taking their time, it's just … Johnny usually doesn't take _this_ long - he rearranges a _lot_ afterwards, again and again, but he usually knows what look he's going for during a specific time.

The teacher coughs and Ten would guess it's embarrassment, by the way he has to move his face sideways, so Johnny can scratch the back of his head. Ten lays his head on the other's shoulder instead, watching his movements more clearly than before before his gaze wanders to the pot.

To him, it looks just fine.

"Uhm - you see … I actually have a few designs I like, here - but … I wanted you to decide, sort of?" Johnny's voice is a mere whisper, but their proximity allows Ten to catch his words, regardless.

The dancer turns his head just the slightest, eyes widened in astonishment. "You sure?" He detaches himself from the other to get a better look at him, retreating to only hold Johnny's hand now, fingers intertwined with fingers. Succulents were always more of a Johnny-only thing and that is entirely fine - now, though-

Johnny looks _flustered_ and Ten doesn't believe it's 'just' about succulents (although this _is_ a big deal, as he came to notice over time).

The older one clears his throat. "Well, yeah - I wouldn't ask otherwise, not? And … uhm, actually, I've been meaning to ask-" words fall out of his mouth and he takes a deep breath before he turns to face Ten properly.

Curiosity is lacing Ten's very being and he squeezes the other's hand in what he hopes to be soothing way - and Johnny squeezes his hand, too.

"You probably heard of QPRs?" Johnny starts slowly. Ten nods and shakes his head just as slowly, simultaneously. While he is familiar with the terminology in general, he frankly never bothered to venture further than the baseline or label himself more specifically - he's content with whatever he does know, though it doesn't seem to be the same for Johnny.

"It's short for _queerplatonic relationship_ -" (It's sort of funny how he emphasises the Q, P and R.) "-and in very brief, it's something that has … both elements of platonic and romantic relationships, though it's definitely not limited to this? It's _not_ like 'more' than friendship or 'less' than romantic relationships because that implies a relationship hierarchy that shouldn't exist in first place. But, anyway, I mean - it's equal to lovers and friends - who are also equal -, but still … different from them," Johnny exhales. He frowns a little bit as he tries to assemble words in his head, but Ten only keeps nodding, encouraging him. "Every QPR is different, like any relationship in general is, so it's hard to generalise, but I think the level of commitment is what stands out for me. You commit to your QPR, or QPP for _queerplatonic partner_ , in a different way than what society usually expects from friendships in general - thus, as said, it _is_ different from this and romantic relationships, and … yeah."

Ten looks at him, a little bit dumbfounded. It _does_ sound familiar, he's sure he heard it somewhere, but it hasn't ever been a feasible option for him.

(Not when the people he'd consider are striving for romance, foremost - or, he _thought_ they would.)

"Why are you bringing it up?" Ten asks as his free hand reaches out to hold Johnny's other hand as well. Johnny looks at him with a small smile, unsure - but kind of _beautiful_ , in the way he's surer of himself than many times before.

"I was wondering if you'd - like to be in a QPR, with me," he says steadfastly, squeezing both of Ten's hands. "I know you don't really care about romance, so we can take your time figuring out what it actually means to us, but … I trust you and I'll stay with you, and I want you to know that you're my first priority. … With Taeyong, to be fair."

Ten grins and both laugh. "Geez, when did you become so cool?" he exclaims exasperatedly. And he lets the words simmer, sink in properly. Johnny must have thought a lot about it - more than he lets on, anyway. For a moment, Ten wonders what went through the other's mind to come to a conclusion like this - to ask, on a day like this.

It's strange to think about it now, as both of them are stressed for life (yet far too relaxed), but not exactly unpleasant. He thinks about how he wants his life to be - how his draft looks like - and smiles softly as he looks at their intertwined hands.

He still thinks about the apartment full of cats, but maybe, this time, he doesn't have to forcefully erase the two people that mean the world to him. Maybe, they are still here - in whatever form it may.

"Yeah," he simply lets out, "Let's do it. Let's figure something out."

Johnny smiles radiantly and immediately, he's pulling out his smartphone to show Ten the arrangements he made prior his arrival, allowing him to pick the one he likes best. In retrospect, it's kind of an odd opening to the message behind it, but seeing how happy Johnny is to have someone share this interest with him, it doesn't strike him as bad.

It's just who they are and, frankly, who they have been and probably would continue to be. For him, the name doesn't matter.

Even without, this alone is a promise of its own kind.

  
  


\-----

  
  


"... This is not what I meant when I told you I'm fine with you bringing a friend," Doyoung mutters. Chenle only grins at his vocal teacher, feigning innocence.

Jisung only sits here awkwardly, not knowing what do to besides watching their banter (that's going on for a few minutes now; he'd be mildly surprised if they know he's still here). Ever since Chenle's and his 'reconciliation' of some sorts, they haven't talked much about this 'crush' he may or may not be having (he's still pretty unsure). Jisung tries not to talk about it or bring it up on his own, wanting Chenle to decide when it may be fine - instead, they decided to pick up their 'talent exchange' thing - to visit each other during dance or vocal lessons, respectively. It only happened that they go together to Chenle's vocal lessons first (because Ten _insisted_ on Chenle coming over on a day he would be around as well).

Well, he really didn't expect this to be a 'good time' to discuss his crush (or not-crush), right in front - or rather, _with_ the vocal teacher.

Which is, by the way, also the topic of the ongoing discussion.

"Come oooooon, hyung! You have experience in love, not? And I, a mere outlaw? How could I judge the finicky ways of being?" Chenle argues, using the most pitiful voice Jisung ever heard.

But Doyoung only rolls his eyes. "Uh, that was _one_ time, and I told you I'm grey-aromantic?" he remarks dryly.

"Ha! See! Different from me, so you _ought_ to have a few words on romance!"

"But, all things aside, have you asked _Jisung_? I mean, who's even comfortable with discussing their crush with someone they barely know-"

Jisung clears his throat, making both of them turn their heads. Awkwardly, he raises his hand. "Uh," he begins, "I think it's fine with me?" (And if he only agrees for the both of them to _stop_ arguing about, well, _him_ , it might not be that untrue.)

Doyoung squints hard at the guest, making Jisung squint back just as hard.

"See! I told you!" Chenle exclaims, clapping his hands. It evokes an annoyed groan out of the vocal teacher.

"And I thought you'd bring someone else to teach …" he mutters under his breath, still loud enough for the younger ones to hear.

"Uhm, I mean, you don't have to do it-" Jisung supplies with a crooked smile, still not sure about how to process this turn of events. "It's fine, I'd love to learn about singing, too!"

But Chenle interrupts his best friend, shaking his head. "No, can't do - we have to do it now, so! Tell us about your … crush?" He furrows his eyebrows while he says the last word and Jisung rolls his eyes. Doyoung, by now, looks defeated. Frankly, it doesn't seem like Chenle would accept a 'no', so Jisung, too, decides to simply comply. He clears his throat.

Now that it actually happens, he notices that talking about his crush does have a weird notion, but also … now what? He wants to know and maybe talking would make it easier to understand.

"So, uhm … there's that boy in our class," Jisung begins, slightly eyeing Doyoung to gauge a reaction, but he seems pretty unfazed. _Safe space_ , he notes for himself (… well, Chenle wouldn't have brought it up if it wasn't, right?). "His name is Sungchan?"

"Sungchan? You're not mocking my height, aren't you?" Chenle gasps, but Jisung has learnt long before that he isn't truly offended (not with this mocking voice), so he ignores the comment and continues.

"Well- yeah. I just - uhm, recently kind of start to notice him more? And just general things about him?" Jisung scrunches his nose, trying to explain - pinpoint the feelings he's carrying for a while now. He looks at the both of them with a helpless expression, but at least Doyoung nods for him to continue (it is hard to discern Chenle's face accurately between the signs of irritation). "Like, he is super cool in sports! I didn't know that, so this was news. And he raps!"

"And, uhm, I assume you want to talk with him a lot?" Doyoung guesses.

Jisung nods. "More than you want to talk with me?" Chenle asks - but instead of the expected exasperated, he sounds quite thoughtful.

The younger one thinks carefully. "I am not sure …" he says truthfully. "I don't think so, though? I wouldn't know what memes to send him," he remarks with a stern face.

It is then that he sees Doyoung do something remotely like a smile ever since he arrived (and Chenle already declared what this session would be about) when the vocal teacher snorts. "Well, yeah - so, how do you feel generally when you're around him? Giddy?"

Jisung thinks further, trying to remember. "Uhm … I would say excited? He's really fun to talk to! So I look forward whenever we get to chat!" He smiles fondly at the memory of their last exchange; it was quite nice to learn more things about sports.

The vocal teacher looks at him carefully and it makes the younger student return the same stare with much more curiosity.

"Do you … like, I don't know, feel that your heartbeat is increasing? Shortness of breath? Are you nervous?" Doyoung spells out one after another.

"Or butterflies in the stomach!" Chenle supplies, though if Jisung had a say in it, he sounds _way_ too sarcastic to mean it seriously. And like … butterflies? In the stomach? If one thing confuses him, then _that_.

Jisung pauses. "I mean, yeah, I _am_ excited when I get to talk to him …?" Isn't that what a crush is about? Being all excited?

Doyoung sighs, though he doesn't sound annoyed per se - it's hard to tell, at least for Jisung. "But like, do you feel _particularly_ nervous? A need to impress, get his attention all for yourself, that sort of thing?"

The younger student shakes his head. "Uhm, no …" Wait, does he have to feel uncomfortable around the person he _might_ like in this strange sense of liking?

The vocal teacher pauses for a little while. "I'll be honest with you," Doyoung speaks up eventually after pointedly looking at Chenle, "I _personally_ don't think … that you have a crush. Of course, it _could_ be a crush if that's what a crush is to you, but … generally, it sounds more like … a friend? You want to be friends with him?"

"But I didn't have the same feeling with Chenle …" Jisung frowns, clearly confused.

There is a sympathetic smile on the other's face. "Well, every friendship starts differently, so it's no wonder - I'm not saying that I know for sure what you're going through and what you're feeling, but … well, from what you told so far, it doesn't seem like a 'normal' crush to me." He eyes him carefully. "But you don't think it's friendship, either?"

Jisung is visibly irritated, the crease between his eyebrows not quite leaving. He scrunches his nose. "Hm …" he exhales.

But Chenle is his best friend, and Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun, Mark and Donghyuck are his friends - it can't be that there is something _else_ , something other than that or yet the same, too? Or has he viewed it too narrowly? Now that he thinks about it, there is a vague semblance between the way all of his close relationships have started, similar to this, and yet … not _quite_ so. In fact, he isn't even so sure if there was a pattern to begin with.

_Heavens._ The lines were always blurry, but not _this_ blurry.

"I am confused," Jisung closes for himself.

Chenle chuckles, a mixture of pity and encouragement. "Well, you have plenty time to figure out something, so … uhm, don't stress about it?"

Jisung can only sigh and nod, a smile returning slowly to his face. Yeah. He has … time to figure out what he wants, in the very end - whatever it is going to be. He doesn't need to rush it - he can examine it somewhen in the future, one by one.

One relationship after after another.

"So … anyone up for vocal lessons now? You know I'm getting paid for that and not … bad relationship advice," Doyoung remarks pointedly.

And maybe, this day, Jisung learns a thing or two.

About himself, about everyone else - but mainly, he learns a lot about singing.

  
  


\-----

  
  


It's a process, Johnny learns this much.

For him, it's no definite waking up, knowing that he is what he is - in a way that he is happy with who he is. He doesn't think he's _unhappy_ with himself, but … happiness seems so far away. Ten once told him that factually, _this_ kind of thing can be anything - it can be a life-long exploration, a permanent state of mind, a stop-and-go sort of path. Being - identifying as - aromantic is a spectrum, just like every human experience bears both likeness and difference, more or less. It doesn't have to fit entirely, either; he doesn't need to apply the word on himself if he doesn't want to - they are still human for who they are, whatever it means. When Johnny asked what it would be like to Ten, the other laughed.

"I'm still healing," Ten said to him, back then. "From the wounds inflicted by the world and ... from the ones I did to myself."

He didn't bother to explain, but Johnny still wonders about it - about how Ten's mind must have looked like across the years and while he wasn't this acutely aware of the depth all of them encompass. Absent-mindedly, he watches the kids on the school grounds, enjoying their break. He wonders if Ten went through something akin to the pain he feels in his own chest - or if any of the kids he looks over are feeling something like this, too.

_How common is it_ , he wants to ask, _to loath oneself for being different?_

He still remembers the rebellious kid that was Ten, scrutinising and agonising in every way - but kind, far too kind to those who needed it (and he still is; just with less sharp cynism and more good-natured sarcasm). He remembers the hard-working boy who tried to prove a point and he wonders if that is still the case.

And when he thinks back, he remembers the hurt in his best friend's eyes, whenever Ten allowed himself to crumble in front of the ones closest to him.

He also remembers himself, a model student with a charming smile - he remembers the normalcy he tried to achieve, how plastic it seemed in contrast to the raging life of one of his best friends. If Ten was trying to make a point, Johnny was trying so hard to fit in instead.

He remembers the way he laughed back then, but in some ways, it was hard to remember whether or not he fell out of the happy frame.

He exhales, slowly, looking at the vague reflection of his own self in the window. He looks better, he thinks, better than a few weeks before. He smiles, a small one but genuine - and he wonders if he can tell someone. Ten said it isn't necessary, but as he turns around to Yuta and Taeil holding a passionate debate over giving half points or not, something wells up.

Johnny feels something simmering in his chest, slowly crawling its way up and above. He detaches himself from the window and sits down, soon scooting over to the two.

He doesn't need to tell, but …

"Uhm, guys?" he says. Both stop their useless quarreling and turn to their colleague instead with curious looks. Johnny can literally _see_ the question marks on their faces and he feels strangely nervous, but there is determination in his eyes.

_It's a process_ , he thinks to himself, _and this is just another step on my own, personal way._

He clears his throat. "Actually, do you know what week is right now?"

**Author's Note:**

> -HAPPY AROMANTIC SPECTRUM AWARENESS WEEK !!  
> Yes. I'm so happy about this small pointer, so celebrate being your wonderful self and enjoy the time !! ;u; <3  
> Thanks a lot for AroWriMo for giving me the opportunity to write this!! I hope I can participate again in the next year, maybe with a few more stories hehe uwu
> 
> A few closing notes! Tbh, it was a bit of a ride to grasp Johnny as 'aromantic character', but this led me to his own kind of story, so I am very happy I could include this point of view, too! Chenle & Ten ended up being more similar than I thought, but ... xD Jisung is a bit of a wildcard, tbh, but valid nonetheless! I could go on, but I'll ... leave it at that for now (unless y'all are interested in reading more about my thoughts sjdnsdj)  
> Every single one of our four protagonists here is at a different point of their existence and self-acceptance - and I hope you could feel a little of their difficulties and also joys ;u; I admit none of them correlate 100% with my own experience, but I still hope I didn't do terrible portrayals JSJDBHSHBD if this should be the case, do correct me !! Let me know and I will strive to be better ö^ö  
> (In fact, I am -eyes- to write a Kun spin-off, as self-standing aro. Yes. That guy who got mentioned like. In four sentences. He got _a whole background story_ , geez, how?! xD Did you already get aro vibes from him here just yet or is it just me lol)
> 
> I may also note that this is just pure headcanon and the actual people are probably differing heavily from this, but,,, let me have a little piece of the 'what if' cake sjdbajsdhs should I have said it earlier? Haha,,,
> 
> I will only take this moment to say ~~again~~ : Being (identifying as) aromantic/arospec happens in so many way that this will inevitably only cover a small part of what it can mean. You are absolutely, wonderfully valid and I am extremely proud of you to have come thus far! I said it already, and I'll say it again: I appreciate you, whatever you are, whoever you want to be. Be you, be proud.  
> I hope you can be happy with who you are, one day, and I hope you have a lovely day !! ö^ö <3  
>  ~~I talk way too much ... haha~~
> 
> (Check my [WIP page](https://nwhrs.tumblr.com/ao3wips) if you're interested in me or (slowly, very slowly) upcoming works sjdbjshd /ads end/)


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